And now… Eleventy-’Leven

The astute will notice that it has been exactly one full year since I last posted, despite my feckless hope that there would be no more long delays. I can but beg the Plague Year of 2020 as an excuse, and humbly ask your forgiveness.

For the benefit of those who are still with me, last year was such a total loss that I am asking for a refund. Accordingly, I have applied to the Celestial Bureaucracy (Office of Temporal Affairs), on behalf of all those affected or afflicted, to have their time returned to them by adding one extra year to their allotted lifespan. Normally, the paperwork involved would be hideous – complainants must all be identified by name, address, and CB(OTA) serial number – but in this case, I simply added a cross-reference to the Human Genome Project. If my claim is approved, every living thing with human DNA will receive extra time in lieu of the late, unlamented 2020. Which means that all of us, except politicians, will get to live one year longer.

You’re welcome.

Happy New Year to all, and may it be infinitely better than the last one!


  1. Happy New Year! And it’s good to hear from you again.

  2. Mary Catelli says:

    Happy New Year!

  3. Eric Schmidt says:

    Happy New Year!

  4. Thank you all!

  5. Your articles are a gift, graciously given and gratefully received. You have no need of forgiveness from me! Happy New Year!

  6. Craig N. says:

    Obviously I gave up too soon in my attempts to find the proper recipient for my own application for a refund of 2020: I am glad to see that someone was more diligent.

    Best wishes for the coming year!

  7. Garth Rose says:

    I keep telling myself that although it seems this year has to be better than the last, in fact it doesn’t. I should change my name to Eeyore. :p

    Happy New Year!

    • You can have Eeyore. I’m holding out for Marvin the Paranoid Android. (The original, as voiced by the late Stephen Moore, and not the travesty as snarked by the late Alan Rickman.)

      ‘Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask me to do? Marvin, put on that face mask. Marvin, stay in the house and rust. I think I’ll just switch myself off.’

      • Garth Rose says:

        What a depressingly stupid year. Life, don’t talk to me about life. It’s a brilliantly effective way of feeling wretched… Yes, Marvin is an even better choice. We may have to fight over it… If we can find the energy. :p

  8. MotherWit says:

    Thank you! Now being the perfect time to spend a year dead for tax purposes, I can at least break even doing so!

  9. Stephen K says:

    Happy Birthday, Mr. Simon, and your wishes for 2021 very much seconded.

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