The Spam

With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe.

See my inbox full of spam —
Email spam!
What a world of cluelessness in each pathetic scam!
How they babble, babble, babble,
As their packets are discharged!
Now they’re promising me Venus,
But they’re not sure if my penis
Or my breasts should be enlarged!
See them sell, sell, sell,
In a sort of hacker hell,
Texas Hold ’em and Viagra by the kitschy kilogram
With their spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam —
As my filter fights off gigabytes of spam.

See the newsgroup full of spam —
Usenet spam!
What a world of churlish apes who just don’t give a damn!
Through the hierarchies they crash,
As they crosspost all their trash,
Breaking every posting rule
Night and morn!
For the tykes who may be browsing, there’s some cool
And in,
Why are there a thousand ads for cheap clonazepam,
How they cram
Every topic! How they jam
Every signal with the sham
Of the yakking and the hacking
Of the spam, spam, spam,
Of the spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam —
All the shrieking and the phreaking of the spam!

See my website full of spam —
Comment spam!
I am not a pervert, and I do not thank you, ma’am!
See the sadomasochists
Climbing up the Google lists!
No one’s interested here,
And I wish you’d disappear
From my site;
But there’s no use in appealing to the judgement of the bots,
In a mad expostulation with the deaf relentless bots,
Run by clots, clots, clots,
And assorted tawdry twats;
And one more online casino
Brings us all the worst of Reno
For a gambler’s grey delight.
Oh, the spam, spam, spam!
I don’t want to watch your cam
Or your horse!
You can’t shock me anymore!
Don’t you know you’re just a bore?
Of obscenity I’ve got an endless source!
Pal, by now you ought to know,
By my panning,
And my banning,
That I’m sickened by your show;
Yet you still refuse to scram,
With your boring
Linkage whoring
Piling up ad nauseam,
And my readers can’t get in, because my server’s out of RAM
From your spam —
From the spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam —
From the glutting and the flooding of the spam!

See a planet full of spam —
Human spam!
What a world of losers, from Alaska to Assam!
Every virus that attacks
Makes us wish we’d all bought Macs
As our hard drives we reformat one more time!
For every worm that creeps
From these biped garbage heaps
Is a crime.
They are psychopaths who write them,
And our sufferings delight them.
They are slime:
They who, leering, leering, leering,
As the damage figures climb,
Feel a glory in besmearing
Half the Internet with grime —
They are neither man nor woman —
They won’t grow up to be human —
They are Trolls:
They have error codes for souls.
We pay tolls, tolls, tolls,
To save us from their spam!
While the perps are on the lam,
We put up with all the spam;
Norton sells his flim and flam.
See him sell, sell, sell,
In a sort of hacker hell,
Cures for viruses and spam —
Endless spam:
We reboot, boot, boot,
And Symantec gets the loot,
For the scourging of the spam —
Of the spam, spam, spam —
At the surging of the spam,
They will sell, sell, sell,
As we damn, damn, damn,
To a happy hacker’s hell,
All the makers of the spam —
Of the spam, spam, spam;
All the acres of the spam,
Of the spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam —
The purveyors and the slayers of the spam!


  1. That was amazing – I read it out loud (only tripped once or twice).


    • Thank you, Ma’am! I wrote that more than nine years ago and published it on my first blog (long since defunct), and as far as I can recall, you are the first person who ever said a kind word for it.

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